Key Takeaways
- Anger is a normal emotion for children, but it’s important to guide them in expressing it appropriately.
- Teaching kids how to manage anger from a young age helps them develop emotional regulation skills that will last a lifetime.
- Setting boundaries while validating their feelings allows children to understand that it’s OK to feel angry, but not to hurt others in the process.
I remember it like it was yesterday: I’m standing and watching helplessly as my usually cute 4-year-old screams and kicks on the living room floor because we’re not going to the playground. She’s clenching her fists and gritting her teeth so hard that her jaw is shaking. Sound familiar?
These dramatic and sometimes terrifying displays of anger in young children often come from a lack of language, explains Meri Wallace, LCSW, parenting expert, child and family therapist, and author of Birth Order Blues. Toddlers and preschoolers can’t always express what’s wrong, so they show it physically. “They will cry and scream, thrash around, or kick their feet,” Wallace says.
Young children also struggle with impulse control, so when frustrated, they often react immediately with behaviors like hitting or biting. “Toddlers see their wishes and desires as urgent,” Wallace continues. A tantrum is their way of protesting unmet needs and feeling powerless.
Though watching your child’s tantrum can feel overwhelming, remember anger is a natural emotion that follows kids into adulthood and it’s your job to teach them the best ways to handle it. That’s why we spoke to experts on the six most efficient ways to help kids manage their anger.
1. Accept Your Child’s Anger
When your child has an angry outburst, acknowledge it. Say something like, “I can see you’re angry.” If you know the reason behind their frustration, you can add that, too: “I can see you’re angry because you love swinging on the swing, and we have to leave the park.”
Next, it’s important to accept their anger. Tell your child, “It’s OK to be angry.” You want your child to feel comfortable expressing their emotions, not suppressing them.
Researchers say validating emotions is crucial because it can help reduce the emotional intensity, making it easier for children to regulate their emotions. In contrast, invalidating a child’s feelings—by telling them their feelings are “wrong”—can escalate the situation, intensifying their emotional response.
2. Encourage Them To Use Words
Children don’t automatically know what words to use when they’re upset, explains Wallace. It’s something you need to teach them. For example, you can say, “When you feel angry, you need to use words,” or “I want to hear what’s upsetting you. If you use words, I’ll understand better and can help.”
If your child struggles to explain their anger, offer a script: “When you’re angry, say, ‘I’m angry,’ and I will help you.” Over time, they’ll internalize these phrases, as well as the rules and expectations you model for them.
Research shows that children who internalize their parents’ rules are often more socially competent and better adjusted. These children tend to understand moral concepts and handle social situations more effectively.
Use Simple Phrases
Encourage your child to say things like, “I’m angry because…” or “I need help calming down.” Giving specific words helps build their emotional vocabulary and lets them express themselves more effectively.
3. Find a Positive Solution
For generations, tantrums were seen as attempts to manipulate, with experts advising parents to let children “cry it out” to avoid spoiling them. However, this advice has shifted. Today, pediatricians recommend calmly addressing tantrums and using strategies to help de-escalate the situation.
While it’s tempting to avoid meltdowns by giving into every request, letting children cry it out doesn’t teach them healthier emotional coping mechanisms. In fact, children need guidance to move through their anger, and walking them through the process is more effective than letting them dwell in frustration.
Some ways to help them through a tantrum include:
- Finding a solution: “It’s hard to share your favorite stuffie. Let’s put it away while your friend is here to play and we can play with it later.”
- Using distractions or redirection: “I know you’re upset that it’s raining and we can’t go to the park. How about we play in the tent in the living room?”
- Offering an alternative or compromise: “We can’t have ice cream before dinner, but how about some apple slices?”
These strategies help shift your child’s focus away from frustration and toward something more positive.
4. Slow Down
Instead of immediately saying “no” when a child asks for something, pause and say, “Let’s see. You want that new toy. Let’s talk about that.” Taking a beat allows you to think how to respond, whether you need to deny it or redirect your child’s attention.
Slowing down and discussing it also lets your child understand the reason for a refusal and accept it more agreeably. It also reassures them that you hear and care about their desires, helping them trust that you’ll guide them through life’s disappointments.
A change of location can also help de-escalate a tantrum. For example, you might say, “Let’s go to see that doggy you like at the pet store,” or “Let’s go to the pharmacy and get the hair clips you need. We’ll keep talking on the way.”
Slowing down also serves as a valuable tool for modeling emotional regulation. When parents take a moment to calm down during stressful situations, they demonstrate positive strategies for handling emotions, which children can later apply themselves.
5. Find a Quiet Space
If you’re in public, try to move away from the crowd. Focus on your child and yourself, not other people’s judgment. Shifting your attention away from onlookers helps reduce any pressure you might feel, creating a private space where you can connect with your child.
The less noise and distraction, the easier it will be for both of you to regain calm. Take your child’s hand and gently say, “Come sit on my lap, and we’ll talk this over.” This quiet moment can help your child feel safe and supported while you guide them through the emotion.
Stay Calm Yourself
Your child will look to you for cues on how to handle the situation. Take a deep breath and remain composed.
6. Set a Firm Limit
While it’s important to acknowledge that feeling angry is OK, aggressive behavior is not. For instance, if your child hits a sibling, you can say, “It’s OK to be angry. Your anger is fine, but hitting is not.” Follow up with, “We don’t hit or kick anyone.”
Next, guide your child toward a positive response. Explain your limit: “Hitting hurts. We don’t hurt anyone.” Children are more likely to understand and cooperate when the reasoning is clear.
